Details

Storyteller: Sarah
Tribe: Indigenous to Mexico
Created: 2018
Location: Duluth, MN
Transcript: I am the shadow of the beginning; growing up without an identity, a culture, or a sense of belonging. The person who showed me unconditional love was my grandma, my dad's mother. Grandma has always embraced me with open arms, despite our language differences and skin color. From day one I have been a pasty, white skin colored child until I grew into my golden-brown shell of a person as a young child. I had always felt positive about being brown until my peers made me feel otherwise. My grandma  has always encouraged me to do my best, to keep trying even when it hurts, and to keep loving even when others hated. My grandma is the one who taught me how to cook since I was 6 years old when I was able to see the top of the stove, but only at her house. My mother never let me cook, but my grandma trusted that I could do it and I did. All my memories with my grandma were of love and acceptance; I miss her. She is the only reason why I made it as far in life as I have; I would have given up if it weren't for her. My personality, persistence, strong-willed, bold personality has been shaped by her and the best part of that was my grandma accepted my imperfect perfection. She had faith that I would grow up to be someone when others only put me down and told me I would never be someone important. She was the best part of my life, the one who would lift me up. She was everything to me. She wanted me to stay in school because she was forced to drop out in second grade to take care of her siblings and the household. Shortly afterwards, she got married at 14 years old, then gave birth to her first child of the 13 more to come. She wanted me to have a life that was of my own, not of what others wanted from me, or for me and expected of me or lack thereof. My grandma was the light in my world; the shadowed shell of a person had slightly peeled away, and I learned to be the person I am. Although she was not educated enough to understand most of what I was talking about, our connection and love was universal - you know when someone loves you for who you are. I just wish she was here to see me grow into who I am today, pursuing an education and working so hard in order to help others.

My grandparents immigrated from a small ranch in Mexico. My grandma was Mexican and Native American, and my dad was the first in his family to be born in the United States. He grew up in Orange County with Caucasian people treating him like dirt because of his brown skin. Due to his upbringing he only understood the world to be, I was not allowed to "be brown" or speak Spanish in the house… he wanted his kids to only speak English. I grew up suppressed of a culture, lacking identity. I feel like I was robbed of who I  was supposed to be, or  who I could have been if it wasn't smothered out of me because of the fear of being brown. Growing up as a multiracial child I felt that I never fit in anywhere. I was not "white" or "brown" enough for kids my age; I felt alone. However, my grandma instilled some of her Native American culture in me, like knowing the land and speaking the language. My grandma was never allowed to speak about her tribe, her family, or her mind - I never really realized what she had taught me was Native American. She taught me how to use certain plants to treat ailments like burns, and stomach aches, and even ear infections - her culture and freedom to speak about it had been silenced. There are things that I wish I knew about her; my blood, identity. However, because of her I learned how to listen to my spirit and follow it. Listening to how I felt around nature impacted my life greatly - I grew up the way that my grandma wanted me to, with the freedom to be me. I had no real sense of any particular culture, I had nothing to tie myself to… except my grandma. I had always felt deep in my spirit, in my bones and in my core, that there was more to life than what I was taught and what I had seen. At least as an adult I have the freedom to explore, learn, and tie myself to what I have always felt inside: my Native American roots. My grandma always knew I would be someone great with a bright future, even dreaming about me having twins. Her dreams were powerful, she always knew when someone was pregnant and when she told me about her dream of me, I was excited to become a mom. Now I see my future to have meaning. I have great purpose - all I need to do is to keep listening to my spirit.

The experiences, both good and bad, have influenced and led me to who I am and where I am today. Everything bad that I had survived never went in vain - I am using my childhood scars towards something greater. My past is my strength to help others who are or had been in similar situations I had been in because I understand what it is like to be neglected, to be abused, to feel detached, to keep going and pursuing a better life, and to know what it is like to survive. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away it seems, there is light. Pursuing higher education has taught me a lot and influenced me to keep going. It helped me to understand myself better despite of the difficulties. Determination and perseverance have placed me in Duluth, MN - following what my spirit is telling me. Everything I had gone through, every individual experience, has led me here. My life has greater purpose than simply just existing. Although I don't know what it's like to be involved in any particular culture, I am determined to find out because I want to belong, I crave identity, and want to be part of anything. I want to be who my grandma was. Culture does not have a skin color, but it does have roots and mine tie me to my Native American culture. 

Listening to your spirit will get you where you need to be, it constantly talks to you, just listen. We are all different from one another, some of us have similar backgrounds, similar stories, similar hurts, and similar experiences. However, we will never perceive things the same way that another person does - our perception and our truth is of our own and no one can ever take that away from us; it is never too late to gain an identity. It is never late to become part of something bigger than you and the world around you. Anything is possible once you lose the limitations that others placed on you - no one lives your life except you. Invest the time and resources into yourself because no one else will and no one else will live life for you - don't ever allow room for others to dictate your life because life is too short to let others rule over you and tell you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Embrace who you are, embrace your differences and what your spirit tells you, and allow it to build up into something great.