“Deep within myself, I was searching for something that I knew, but could not define that I understand today as the connection of our ancestors through blood memory. I realized I found what I was looking for when I went through ceremony and that was the connection to our ancestors and traditional way of life. My prayers were answered by support through programs in the community and our people who truly believed in our culture and traditions.”

Details

Storyteller: Dawn
Tribe: White Earth Band of Ojibwe
Created: 2018
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Transcript: When I was growing up, there was a lot of unsureness, separation, isolation, and constant chaos. I was always hyper alert and worried about how my actions and my behavior would cause others to react. Being yelled at with continuous criticism of my capabilities and abilities played a really huge role in how I defined myself. I was always looking for outside approval and validation. I do not remember a lot of happy times in my childhood, including the first 7 years of my life due to severe childhood trauma that resulted in PTSD, high anxiety, and dissociation among other barriers. I experienced rape and sexual abuse throughout my life by different perpetrators at different times and different ages. There was also a lot of shaming through verbal, emotional and physical abuse. This has defined some of the outcomes of my decision-making as an adult. That also spiraled into living my life in survival mode.

With a life filled with hardships and loss through harsh experiences, I had finally decided I could not continue with life the way I was living. I was trying to balance being a single parent taking care of my children and a party lifestyle. I picked up my asema, which is tobacco, and asked the creator to please help me because I could not do this alone. I could not get away from the drug that had me like an iron fist that kept getting tighter and tighter as my use became more prominent.

Deep within myself, I was searching for something that I knew, but could not define that I understand today as the connection of our ancestors through blood memory. I realized I found what I was looking for when I went through ceremony and that was the connection to our ancestors and traditional way of life. My prayers were answered by support through programs in the community and our people who truly believed in our culture and traditions. I started going to ceremony more, and through the creator, our ancestors, helpers and relatives, my healing journey had begun.

I am very thankful and grateful for what has been provided to me when I needed our culture and traditional way of life to help me change with guidance and positive direction my current lifestyle to continue living. Blood memory along with the history of my ancestors was and continues to be essential to my healing. The history of historical trauma that has been passed on from generation to generation continues to carry a memory of both negative and positive effects. Whether that be the continuous feeling of oppression that is passed down through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, isolation and separation from our families and cultural way of life. Or the beautiful innate feelings of our traditional lifestyles filled with ceremonies, cultural medicines which include (asema, cedar, sweetgrass, and sage), our many relatives, and how we're all connected through mother earth. My ancestors have been resilient in many different ways and play a big part of why I'm on this journey today. They have walked beside me and helped me heal. And as I do that, I'm building my own resiliency for future generations. Today I realize my past trauma does not define who I am, and I can make my own choices, and I can have a good life and live it.